06 Polyamory means I have permission to cheat, isn’t it?

By all accounts, the number one question polyamorous people get from non-monogamous people is "if you're polyamorous, does that mean you can just cheat with anyone?"

So let's be clear from the outset. No, polyamory does not mean you have permission to cheat.

As I wrote elsewhere in this FAQ, polyamory is a form of consensual, or ethical, non-monogamy (ENM) in which a person is involved with multiple romantic or sexual partners at the same time. Consent is crucial. One of the most important parts of being polyamorous is making sure that you — and any romantic or sexual partners you have — are aware of and consent to the relationships you have with them and others.

Polyamory is built around the pillars of honesty, communication, and consent. All of that typically means that all parties involved will have come to agreement beforehand on their boundaries and rules.

Cheating, on the other hand, is completely different. Cheating is the act of being unfaithful to your significant other through lying and deception.

Let's take three scenarios and illustrate the difference.

1. You are single and connect with someone on a dating app. On your first date, your partner reveals they have a spouse at home. You are told, "They don't need to know. I am polyamorous." This is cheating because they did not communicate their wish to engage in a relationship outside their current one and their partner did not consent to this occurring.
   
   
2. You are in a polyamorous triad with two other people. You and your partners have an agreement that nobody will date other people outside the triad. At some point, though, one of your partners comes to you and says they hooked up with someone else while on a business trip. This would be cheating because they betrayed the agreement you came to and had sex without talking about it first and you did not grant your consent.
   
   
3. You're in a monogamous marriage. Your monogamous spouse betrays your trust by sleeping with someone else outside your marriage, but says to you, "It's not cheating. I'm polyamorous." They are wrong. It is cheating, and you are absolutely entitled to feel hurt, angry, and confused. If you never consented to being in an polyamorous relationship, you have every reason to view their activity as unfaithful. There's even a term for this: polybombing.