Resources
This is a list of books, websites, blogs, podcasts, and articles relevant to ENM and polyamory that I have found helpful. It is by no means meant to be exhaustive. If you have one you would like to recommend be added, please email me at michael@thepolyadvisor.com and let me know.
Note to authors: if you would like to see your book added here, please email me at michael@thepolyadvisor.com and let me know.
Books
By Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton
Don't be put off by the title. First published in 1997, The Ethical Slut is one of the oldest and best-known books about Ethical Non-Monogamy.
I recommend this book often to people investigating ENM and who haven't necessarily chosen a particular relationship style. The authors highlight a range of diverse range of ENM relationship styles and types. The book is by two friends and former lovers who sought to compile into a book their own experiences and the experiences of others in ENM relationships. As such, it serves as an honest introduction and primer for others considering these kind of relationships.
I have a particular fondness for this book. It was the one that my nesting partner (NP) and I read when we first started visioning and dreaming aloud on what ENM and polyamory could mean for us."
By Dedeker Winston
Written by one of the co-creators of the amazing Multiamory podcast, The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory is billed as a "practical guidebook" aimed at helping women break out of the mold of traditional monogamy, without the constraints of jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, and competition.
Even though it's targeted to women or female-presenting folks, I've read enough of it that I can earnestly recommend it for men as well.
Here's a terrific quote from the book:
“No amount of reassurance from someone else can change the negative opinions you hold about yourself. If you deeply believe that your tummy is a shameful piece of disgusting flab, that belief will not change after your partner says “You’re sexy!” for the thirty-seventh time." ― Dedeker Winston
By Jessica Fern
To call this book "groundbreaking" may seem hyperbolic, but in this case, the descrption is apt and well-earned. Jessica Fern explores the concept of polyamory (or consensual nonmonogamy) through the lens of the psychological framework of attachment theory. Absolutely recommended.
Here's an inspiring quote from the book:
“We can make our partners into the source of our hope, love, strength, ability to feel or regulate our own emotions, as well as the source of our meaning and purpose in life. Our partners can be the inspiration for these things, as well as the objects or focus of our love, but they should not be the source of it. You are the source of your happiness, love, courage, emotional regulation and purpose, and the sooner that you can release your partner from being the source of these experiences the better for everyone involved." ― Jessica Fern
By Esther Perel
While not technically a book about ENM and polyuamory, I call Mating in Captivity a must-read because Esther daringly brings the challenge that leads many couples to consider ENM in the first place. the premise around maintaining passion over the course of a long-term, loving relationship.
Some of the questions the book aims to answer include:
- Are humans really meant to be monogamous?
- Is it possible to stay sexually attracted to one person — and only one person! — for the rest of your entire life?
- Are married people really happier than single people?
- Or are all of those beliefs nothing more than social constructs that tether us to conventional lives?
Mating in Captivity explores the impact of intimacy on desire in long-term relationships. It challenges cultural norms and offers insights into maintaining eroticism in committed partnerships.
Here's an inspiring quote from the book:
“Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?” - Esther Perel
Websites and Other Polyamory Practitioners
Leanne Yau is a non-monogamy educator, sex positivity advocate, and queer therapist in training. I have found her work inspiring and thought-provoking, and recommend them with gusto
Where to start: I recommend checking out their FAQ and Instagram (@polyphiliablog).
Emily, Dedeker, and Jase had me hooked from the first time I listened to their podcast. I've become an unabashed fanboy.
But it was their "manifesto" that truly inspired me: We believe in looking to the future of relationships, not maintaining the status quo of the past. We value ethics over tradition, and we believe that a healthy world is one where everybody has agency in their relationships.
Where to start: the Multiamory podcast or the Start Here page, natch.
Laura Boyle is a relationship coach with over 15 years of lived experience in non-monogamous relationships. I adore her work because she not only speaks in an authentic voice, but is a relationship anarchist with young kids. Laura has so much excellent content, including a blog, podcast, and Instagram (@readyforpolyamory).
Where to start: the Polyamory Glossary. I think I visit this several times a week!
I have a special place in my heart for Remodeledhttps://www.remodeledlove.com/ Love. Reading their peer support page made me go "hmm ... I could do this, too!" and inspired me to launch The Poly Advisor.
I love everything about their style and their voice. Remodeled Love describe themselves as "a project whose goal is to expand the cultural narrative on healthy relationships, polyamory, family, and love." They do all of that through various media such as comedy sketches, podcasts, memes, blogs, long form videos, and articles.
Where to start: the Remodeled Love podcast is a real gem. It's produced and co-hosted by Jessica Levity Daylover and Joseph Daylover.